THE MESSY THOUGTS

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He’s been there for me ever since and so do I. And as they say it, a clear eyes and a pure heart can’t lose anything good. Loving and supporting each other abound between us. And if you ask me what I want in this union, I will tell you, I want everything. But as to whether this thing we share will last or not I don’t know. Perhaps, he doesn’t know either. But one thing I know for sure is that, in good, in bad, in parts or in whole, Peekay is the guy who shows up, who care nevertheless, who still wants to stay even when I want it all quit, and who first says sorry, regardless. I won’t call him a perfect guy but he isn’t that bad after all. It wasn’t just about his nice physique or qualities, but something wider, and bigger. We have many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups we moved through while all of this (falling in love) is happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them are perfect and we couldn’t expect them to be.

This is why it is a bit tough not to say I cannot forgive him for hurting me with this sudden reality. And what could this reality be? He has a son of which, I didn’t know of until recently. What hurts the most isn’t the fact that he has a son but the mere fact that, I asked for clarity and it seems as though he fed me with fiction. Sounds like a bed full of deception, isn’t it? Nevertheless, there comes a time when the World gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. And to understand that imperceptible beat of your heart, you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what its says. Now I understand my heart. It tells me to forgive, to let go of every bitterness so that I could love and trust again. And today, if you should ask me to choose between memories and realities, I will go for realities because they are the things that stay with us. Learn to love and to be loved. To simplify what is complicated. To seek beauty in the saddest places. But most especially, try to understand. I love you, PeeKay. Whether son or no son, you are and forever will be my Perfect ID.

Lost in smog of doubt

thoughts of you haze my buff vision

Fun is what you are

 

This pricks like a bramble

With tenderness I see myself blistering ecstasy

I miss having you near

 

Today on dVerse – We are writing on our best romantic (funniest or saddest) Haibun ever. I may not get it all perfect but I shall surely turn up someday.

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MY FRIGHT, YET, MY FAITH

It’s all very well to tell people not to be afraid, but how? You can’t just “step on fear’s oxygen pipe” and hope it goes away. Fear is not a rational emotion, but it often has a rational basis: for instance, I desire to leave my current job just to go chase after my Dream job since I barely could do both at the same time. But though there’s an urge, I’m also very much afraid of been rejected by my dream employer. I know you might be asking yourself if I have tried applying to that dream job or not. Well the answer is, yes. I have and for the second time, I have been rejected after striving to the final stage of the recruitment process.

The worst part of it is that, I still can’t figure out what exactly led to my rejection and this makes me feel Terrible as though, my world is crumbling before me.  There is nothing irrational about this. I look into the future (a future of void and insecurity in my current job) and I am afraid. No one has the right to tell me not to be afraid, especially when I am doing all I can to land this new job and it is not working. Even if I try not to fear, it doesn’t always go away, especially when my passion remains stubbornly unshaken. However, I also don’t want to be knocked down by this same feeling and so I try to be Positive sometimes.

Truly, there is nothing impossible for a positive mind. Whatever the inner urges, that shall become true. And so whatever my labors and aspirations are, in the noisy toils of life, I still keep peace with my soul. I will learn to live in Faith and keep hoping for a better tomorrow. A personal mandate of me, is to be fulfilled in life by making the world a better place for myself and everyone around me. I believe if you are fulfilled with whatever you might be doing, any other thing falls in place. Big or small, everything matters, every effort counts and everyone who crosses my path contributes. My Fear, yet, my Faith.

 

This is to meet the bar on dVerse – sharing one’s fear(s)  in writing.

SELF PORTRAIT

Hey

My indifference……calmness, undemonstrated

My forth-comings, sometimes gloomy

But my beauty, gets me attractive

All of these give me my texture

And turns to hem my composure

I’m pretty sure you could sense my façade

Of who I am

A Phlegmatic?

Or

A Melancholic?

 

Written for dVerse- Writing a Quadrille (a poem of 44 words: no more, no less – not including the title), to create a self-portrait.